Anyone else ever imagine the Bible if God spoke more like a social worker?

I am the Lord thy God, who apprehended you from the Egyptians who may have struggled with some of the skill set required to maintain appropriate conditions for you.
I am the Lord thy God. I have excellent boundaries and know how to not engage in a power struggle.
If you keep this covenant and complete the following forms, you will live long in the land that I have given you. Please wait.

I could go on but it's wasting brain cells that could be used on something better.
Maybe someone should translate the entire Bible into social work lingo. it would be awesome.